The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

This is where all those jokes you're dying to stump us with should go. Got something funny you want to share with the rest of us? This is the place to put it.
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Rising_Dusk
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The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Rising_Dusk » Thu Sep 11, 2008 3:12 am

In order from 3rd best to the best, apparently. (You'll see)
Grant Ray Howard wrote:THIS VAN IS ROCKIN'

My mom bought a giant white Ford Econoline van that summer. It had a TV, mood lighting, and captain's chairs. Really, that van was nicer than the house we lived in.

I had just turned 16, and one night after endlessly driving around in the van with my girlfriend, looking for places to make out, we pulled into an elementary school parking lot. We started making out, and it eventually moved to the back seat, which folded out into a bed.

So I fumble with her bra and she fumbles with my belt, soon we are naked, and three pumps later, I'm lying there naked with a condom on my limp dick full of man gravy, when we see lights flash across the windshield. We freak out, get dressed, and peel out of the parking lot, leaving my innocence behind, never to be seen again.

Three years later, my mom sold the van to a nice Christian family with seven kids. They made small talk with my mom, and then they started inspecting the van. All of the sudden, one of the kids came crashing out of the van with all his brothers and sisters in tow, screaming, "I found a balloon! I found a balloon!" and running in circles around the van, with my used condom in hand. It was an odd moment for all of us.
Scott Erickson wrote:COMING HOME

I am eternally grateful that someone who got around introduced me to the ways of love. I'll refer to her as "Janet," even though her real name is Cheryl.

"Janet" taught me the virtue of "foreplay." In other words, kissing and boob fondling. I discovered that I like to touch boobs and that they are squishy. The pointy part is called the nipple and it gets hard, like a little erection. It's nothing to be afraid of.

Then came the "moment of truth" when finally my thing went inside of her stuff. It felt good, of course. Better then good, but not quite as great as eating pancakes.

Mostly it just felt weird. The weirdest thing was this feeling that when I went inside, I was "coming home," which is weird, because my home is nothing like a vagina. Nobody lives in a vagina.

As I understand it, when a man and woman make love, it's the primary role of the man to not ruin things. In other words, not to prematurely ejaculate. There is no need to go into this problem, however, since "Janet" just rolled over and finished herself off. This was my first experience with a vibrator, even though it was actually her experience of it.

But the coolest thing is that while I was waiting for her to finish, I found a bunch of back issues of Hellboy in her room, including the third issue, which is really hard to get.
Aaron Walker wrote:AN AUDIBLE POP

Sara Rainbow was tall, heavy breasted, long faced, and an outcast. "Unconventional looks," my mother would say. "Horse faced," my friends would snicker. But I set to work on making her mine, and soon enough, she was.

And that's how we ended up in my bedroom, stripped to the waist, those enormous, delightful breasts playing across my pasty chest, the crotches of our blue jeans locked in a frictive crush. That's when it happened.

I should explain: Sara Rainbow was a late bloomer. She hadn't figured out masturbation, knew almost nothing of sexual anatomy, much less of the act itself. After an early makeout session, she called to ask me if I had soaked my pants, because it had gone all the way into her panties. I didn't have the heart to explain. She was so clueless, in fact...

Making her sexy face, and dry humping in earnest, she came down full force on my tented penis. It first shuddered, and then buckled painfully, causing an audible pop of gristle. I stared, open-mouthed at the ceiling, a cry caught in my throat, eyes tearing up. And as my brain flashed to the days that would come—I imagined the bruise, and the lump of scar tissue that still gives a gentle kink—she looked at me through heavy eyes and mouthed, "Did you come?"
"I'll come to Florida one day and make you look like a damn princess." ~Hep

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Loki » Thu Sep 11, 2008 7:08 am

But the coolest thing is that while I was waiting for her to finish, I found a bunch of back issues of Hellboy in her room, including the third issue, which is really hard to get.
This guy knows what he was doing.
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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by erwtenpeller » Thu Sep 11, 2008 12:01 pm

My first time was in a tent, while we could hear all sorts of people walk by. It was awesome. I could write a story quite like those about it, but it went too perfect for that.

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by shalnath » Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:40 pm

I'm not quite sure this is appropriate for a public forum...
"Within every world, there are cultures, within every culture, there are groups, within every group, there are leaders. These leaders are not truly chosen, they are destined, it is their fate to lead, and it is this fate that drives them. Souls yearn to be driven, they in themselves can not direct, however, these leaders are predetermined, by whatever means, to guide the wills and mend the errors of these wandering souls. A forest, cold, cured, flawless, meticulous, and fearful, what drives it, what keeps the balance? The inner beings of all the co-existant creatures swarm together, and every one is guided by another, in more a cycle, then a hierarchy. The eyes of a forest are always watching and guiding, yet the sun never sets on the forest, and it never shall." ~ The Chaos Theory

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Hell_Tempest » Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:30 pm

Storm wrote:I'm not quite sure this is appropriate for a public forum...

Second guessing Dusk, hmm? And it's not like everyone here doesn't know about stuff like this.

@Third: Ouch.
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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by TheIrishPatriot » Thu Sep 11, 2008 3:17 pm

Rofl, and a silent yell of pain at the third. Where'd you get these? :P
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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Rising_Dusk » Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:03 pm

Storm wrote:I'm not quite sure this is appropriate for a public forum...
I don't see anything inappropriate about it. There are spammers on these boards that post far more vulgar things than anything in here and we haven't banned them. If anything, at the very least read the style and prose of the three stories, they're quite well written.
"I'll come to Florida one day and make you look like a damn princess." ~Hep

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by shalnath » Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:17 pm

Funny how things change over the years.

Anyway, if no one else cares I guess there's nothing I can do about it. Carry on.
"Within every world, there are cultures, within every culture, there are groups, within every group, there are leaders. These leaders are not truly chosen, they are destined, it is their fate to lead, and it is this fate that drives them. Souls yearn to be driven, they in themselves can not direct, however, these leaders are predetermined, by whatever means, to guide the wills and mend the errors of these wandering souls. A forest, cold, cured, flawless, meticulous, and fearful, what drives it, what keeps the balance? The inner beings of all the co-existant creatures swarm together, and every one is guided by another, in more a cycle, then a hierarchy. The eyes of a forest are always watching and guiding, yet the sun never sets on the forest, and it never shall." ~ The Chaos Theory

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Rising_Dusk » Thu Sep 11, 2008 5:31 pm

Storm wrote:Funny how things change over the years.
I'm unsure as to what you refer.
"I'll come to Florida one day and make you look like a damn princess." ~Hep

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Halnodor2 » Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:57 pm

Haha, very funny, I liked it. We need more stuff like that in the comedy corner.
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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by erwtenpeller » Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:25 pm

he gets me.

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by TheIrishPatriot » Fri Sep 12, 2008 3:19 pm

Does Dusk have an epic virginity-losing story of his own? O:
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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by erwtenpeller » Fri Sep 12, 2008 5:03 pm

dusk is celebate by choice. It helps him accieve a meditative state to write badass maps.

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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Hell_Tempest » Fri Sep 12, 2008 5:49 pm

Yeah, ok. You didn't hear the stories he was telling us last month or so.
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Re: The Best Virginity-Losing Stories

Post by Rising_Dusk » Fri Sep 12, 2008 8:17 pm

It was interesting, really. I don't want to go into any details on the forums, though, I find that event far more sacred than any of the guys I quoted in the first post.
"I'll come to Florida one day and make you look like a damn princess." ~Hep

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