My Huggies are chafing around my hips and Lori is going to be on my ass in 2 seconds. I’m pissed because I can’t turn the door knob and smoke some tarred freedom; a Marlboro or a black – anything to calm my nerves.
“Henry whatcha doing down there?†She startles me and I fall on my butt. I turn my head but before I know it Lori is scooping me up and pressing me tight against her chest. I try and struggle, try and force my way back down her leg, but Lori’s grip is too strong.
“Hey little man! Little antsy this morning aren’t you?†I give up. There’s no use fighting – I know I’m not getting away. I should be relieved that someone like Lori loves me. She’s a great mother and all, but thing is, she’s white. Right now I’m pretty white myself, but back in my past life I was as brown as could be. Hell, I acted pretty white but being white doesn’t seem right – it just doesn’t fit. Maybe in a few years I could find a handle on it.
“You’re a real explorer!†She sets me behind some bright red plastic baby bars. I know what she’s really trying to say. Sit down, shut up, and don’t make me look for you.
“Loomaiooo!†I say. She smiles at me and then disappears behind a corner.
Let me out!
“Loomaioo!â€
I slide my Kobe-beef to the edge of the baby-bars and peer down the end of the hallway. There’s that door knob waiting for me. If I was the fully grown-dumbass that I once was, I could . . . well, I could do anything. The only thing that’d be in my way would be that damn door knob and now I’m not even tall enough to wrap a grubby looking finger around it.
Everyone thinks that when someone turns 16 it’s some kind of big deal. They’ll get that car and worm their way out of their parent’s house -- sneak out to parties and have sex with everyone on the street. But I found the most freedom the first time I ever learned to open a door. A simple turn of the wrist and I was out of the household and able to do anything that I ever wanted.
Go anywhere I ever wanted.
I was knee high and I didn’t recognize my awful power but people don’t understand until they can’t even stand by themselves.
That’s why being a baby is such torture. I have to wait for everything to happen. I heard Lori talking about it the other day. Next month I should be able to:
1. Indicate with gestures.
2. Call Lori “momma.â€
3. Wave goodbye.
Do you know how long it’ll be till I’m able to even stand? Back when I could drive, waiting 15 seconds for a green light felt like half an hour. And that’s when I could yell and scream and stomp my foot. Now I can only shit and scream and even then I have to wait for someone to wipe my ass.
I see some other guys stuck in the same boat as me – reincarnated into someone that they’re not familiar with. I can see it in their eye. They all want out. Hell, I want out . . . I think I’m just stronger than them. Or maybe I’ve just given up faster.
Baby
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